Surviving Idiocy: How To Watch Singapore Idol With Intelligence Intact

I’ve witnessed horrors that the human mind can barely comprehend. Unspeakable acts of depravity, cruelty and stupidity. Stupidity? You guessed it, I watched about 10 minutes of Singapore Idol. The acts of depravity and cruelty were inflicted upon my intelligence (You bastards!).

Despite swearing off local television for a good 5 years, it’s hard to totally avoid it. For those who’ve heard an oft-used analogy about car crashes, “it’s horrible but you can’t help but look”, it applies here. Except that car crashes are better looking, sounding and I’d gladly watch the horrifying site of an injured person lying in a pool of blood rather than watch a bunch of talentless dolts cavort around thinking they’re star material.

I don’t know their names nor can I remember their faces, all I know is during those 10 minutes I witnessed one contestant who looked like he just got off his job selling VCDs outside a coffee shop at Hougang Central sing ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’. In all honesty, it wasn’t horrible. But it wasn’t good either. He’d have a hard time winning a karaoke competition, and here he is competing for a record deal. What did the judges say? That he’s on a ‘different level’ from the other contestants. I shudder to think of the implications.

For those who just HAVE to watch it but are afraid of their minds being turned into mush, here are several things you can do to preserve your intelligence whilst watching Singapore Idol:

Whenever Gurmit Singh appears, quickly close your eyes, stick your fingers into your ears and scream “LA LA LA LA LA” very loudly until he goes away. Alternate method: go downstairs to a busy street and fling yourself into oncoming traffic.

Scared of hearing the judges make stupid, asinine comments that have no creative or constructive worth? Just take a stick and poke it into your eyes (so you don’t see their fugly faces) until all you see is red. Or black. Next step: take the stick and do the same to your ears until you hear nothing. Just peaceful silence.

If you don’t want to hear the contestants' braying but are still curious to see their stiff, rigor mortis-like dance moves, just turn down the volume, find a CD of the song they’re ‘covering’ and blast it on your hi-fi. Don’t want to see the contestants’ fugly faces either? If you live in a high-rise apartment or flat, just open a window and jump. The resulting crunch will end your pain (hopefully).

Warning: If you choose to follow these tips you may be permanently scarred/blinded/deaf/dead. Then again, if you’re voluntarily watching Singapore Idol, you probably deserve it anyway.