Bad dog! Good kitty...

New Year, Same Shit

2006-03-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

By year, I mean financial year. That's my way of getting around the fact that this poor excuse for a blog hasn't been updated since October 2005.

How can it be a blog then? No daily in-depth information about what I did/saw/said. No musings about the pointlessness of life. No thinly-veiled swipes at my friends. No complaining about how stupid everybody is. No wait, I do do that last one.

Anyway, I'll be back soon enough. Have a great financial year ahead!

iNcredible iDiocy

2005-09-25T23:09:00.000+08:00

Having witnessed the recent furore over the iPod nano, I’ve realised something about the average consumer. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but I’ve encapsulated my feelings into this: they’re fucking idiots!

I’ll be the first to admit the device is sexy. It’s so sleek and pretty, if it were a girl, I’d probably have been rejected by her by now. But don’t you realise the nano is basically what the Shuffle should have been? You know the shuffle, the MP3 player that didn’t even have a goddamn SCREEN? I was aghast at how they managed to turn an incredibly obvious flaw into a marketing advantage.

The worst part about it? It worked. Mindless sheep, all lulled by Steve Job’s seductive siren’s call, bought it in droves. “But… but… it’s so easy to use!” they’d say. What’s wrong moron, get confused by a monochrome screen telling you which song is playing?

So now the same thing is happening to the nano. People on my MSN contact list are already changing their nicknames to “iPod nano! Ooooh I want one!” or something equally stupid. So to finish off this rant, I’ll offer the good folks at Apple this great idea that would make a handsome addition to their iPod product line.

iPlug
Being a mere novice in the world of S&M, I’m not really sure what buttplugs are for, but they can’t be good (which means they are good). Anyway, Apple can now make iPlugs, little white plugs that fit snugly in anyone’s cornhole.

The best part about it? It’s so easy to use.

New improved formula! Now with more crap.

2005-09-14T21:39:00.000+08:00

Howdy folks. If you haven’t noticed, there has been a little revamp at this oft-neglected repository of BS. For starters, I have a graphic at the top depicting a squirrel and some flying… hands. Yes, that squirrel is none other than yours truly but don’t let it fool you, I look nothing like that in person (my tail is bushier).

But before I am tempted to take credit for that piece of… art, I will give respect where it’s due. Adrian from up north did it after much procrastinating and pestering. I also have to thank Su-Yin for taking time off from convalescing to make the changes. I’ve done away with the comatose tag-board and shifted stuff to the right. I will be adding all the coolest and hippest blogs I know to my links in due time. If you have any feedback feel free to email.

Till I have some more crap to share, peace out.

P.S. Even if you’re not hip, just pay me a nominal fee and I’ll link you. I’m cheap like that.

Excuses, Excuses

2005-08-15T01:48:00.000+08:00

Woah... check out that last post date - the 3rd of July. For anyone who follows this, you should know by now that this blog, while certainly short on the quantity, is never short on the quality. I like to think of it as the Bentley of blogs; I don't make many of em, but when I do, they sure are a doozy!

For those curious about my prolonged absence, I will share with you my latest adventure* - I was whisked away by a South American TV crew to Guatemala, where they made me the star of 'Who Wants To Marry A Penniless Writer?' or 'Quién Desea Casar un Escritor De Penniless?' as it was known there.

Turns out not many people (much less hot South American girls) did, so my prospects turned out to be an assortment of misfits and social outcasts. And a donkey.

I'll spare you the sordid details, but I will say that there was a lot of catfighting (Meowrrrr!) over me. In the end though, I just couldn't stomach the thought of marrying for the sake of TV ratings and a watermelon farm. That, and most of the contestants escaped from the compound on the first night.

So while the TV station was disappointed, I came back a stronger man, knowing that fame and watermelons aren't everything.

In case you're wondering, the donkey made it to round 3 before being eliminated by this girl who had her twin sister's head growing out of her side. I'm regretting calling it off... Conchita (the head growing out the side of Maria) was kinda cute. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Till next time, keep it real folks.

*This may not have actually happened.

Summer Movie Thoughts

2005-07-03T01:43:00.000+08:00

Like a bad case of herpes, I return. This blog has been abandoned and resurrected so many times over that if it were a pet dog, it'd be a weird skinny Franken-dog who just wants to be loved. However, I am thankful to the faithful readers that believe in this thing I'm doing. No, not that thing. I finished doing that thing before typing this.

Whatever the case, I'm back just in time to comment on the summer movie onslaught during which Hollywood studios cram our collective consciousnesses (is that even a word?) full of big-name stars and even bigger explosions. Sometimes they combine both and make big-name stars explode.

So here are my thoughts on the current crop of movies that you may or may not already have seen. Now, I'll be giving comments based solely on my totally righteous, dope and kick-ass movie-going expertise, which often means I don't even have to watch the movie to give an opinion. Yes, I'm that good.

Batman Begins

Ok, I watched this and as a Batman fan (read: dork) I found that it totally nailed the tone of the comics. Christian Bale is the best Bruce Wayne yet, possessing the ferocity required as Batman while still exhibiting the pathos of someone who watched his parents get murdered. The supporting cast is excellent, which is no surprise considering the number of big-names (sadly, they don't explode here) but I found Katie Holmes a bit lacking. Maybe she was too distracted thinking of how to milk her relationship with Tom Cruise to concentrate on acting, but it was at least passable. Watch it if you're not going to watch anything else.

Fantastic 4

I could go on about how I feel the Fantastic 4 is a pretty boring comic to make a movie about and how the actors are as interesting as cardboard boxes, but there is one fundamental flaw with this that overrides everything else. An oversight so huge whoever thought of it should be flayed alive:

Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman

That's right, here's a movie where you can't see Jessica Alba! What's the point? Am I supposed to get turned on by The Thing? Actually, that may work...

Mr and Mrs Smith

I haven't watched this but even if I did, I'd only be thinking of one thing during the movie: Are they or aren't they? Stop teasing me Brangelina!

War Of The Worlds

Lasers and Aliens may break Tom Cruise's bones, but cleverly-disguised water pistols will always embarrass him.

P.S. Scientology is for nutjobs.

M.I.A.

2005-05-14T01:07:00.000+08:00

Alas! Forgive me my children… I know I’ve been neglecting my duties of late. The rooster is making my life difficult again, what with his pecking and flapping and crowing… god the crowing!

Meanwhile, judging from the poll, it’s heartening to know that everyone thinks I’m gonna get my eyes pecked out. Damn you all!

The madness will ensue in due course. Just bear with daddy and he will make everything alright… (Me. I'm the daddy.)

seedywriter vs The Rooster (Rooster leads 2-0)

2005-04-04T15:52:00.000+08:00

Shhhhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting woosters.

Now before you click ‘back’ on your browser, let me explain. In recent months, I have been subject to what a friend calls a ‘series of unfortunate events’ in my real life (or what passes for one).

While I won’t go into detail as to what has happened (this isn’t that kind of blog), I’ll offer an analogy of sorts: I was kicked hard in the nuts back in February, and while the pain was excruciating, slowly the feelings of nausea and ache began to subside. Recently, just as I was getting up on my feet, I was sucker punched in the gut. Now all I’m waiting for is to hear the inevitable unzipping of trousers and the pitter patter of a warm, yellow rain to complete the humiliation.

Don’t worry, I’m not out for the count yet. In fact, I have given serious, objective thought as to why this is all happening: Firstly, I threw out all possible blame that could be attributed to myself. Next, being the nice guy that I am, I threw out all possible blame that I could place on other people. So what am I left with?

A Rooster.

It’s simple. I noticed my luck turning sour around the beginning of February, during the Chinese Lunar New Year. And I noticed as the Rooster was making its way into 2005, my luck was on the opposite trajectory – OUT.

So utilising the vast resources available to me, I consulted imaging specialists and top-notch scientists doing all sorts of calculations (I’m not sure what kind yet). The result? This is a computer generated image of what is going on right now:

Am I afraid? Hah! I say bring it on, Rooster. I ain’t afraid of your pecking and flapping, in fact I’m gonna make you into a 2 piece meal WITH baked potato! Hold the coleslaw though, I hate coleslaw. Where was I? Yeah, I’ll… *hears crowing in the distance*

…I’m so dead.

P.S. Please take part in the poll on your left, it’s new!

In The Miso Soup by Ryu Murakami

2005-03-27T20:15:00.000+08:00

With a rhino’s ass, I made a commitment. A commitment to you, my loyal reader. I promised changes for better or worse, and with this post, I deliver.

I recently borrowed In The Miso Soup by Ryu Murakami, who shares the same namesake as Haruki Murakami, one of the most famous modern writers around.

Now, I tried reading one of Haruki Murakami’s books once, and to be honest I was as bewildered as a gay man at the Playboy Mansion. So, I borrowed this book, wondering if both authors share, along with a surname, the same surrealistic, dreamlike style that both enchanted and confused me earlier.

Ok I was lying. I borrowed it because the inside cover said something about the ‘Japanese sex industry’ and ‘serial killer’. To paraphrase a famous movie line, “You had me at ~~hello~~ sex.”

Alright, back to the book. Kenji is a young Japanese man working as a tour guide for foreigners who want to experience the red light districts of Tokyo. He makes a decent wage, has a nice girlfriend, and thinks he has seen his fair share of the typical lonely foreigner looking for a good time. Until he meets his new customer, Frank.

Almost at once, he finds Frank different, and not in a good way. His manners are eccentric and he creeps Kenji out to no end, especially with the gruesome murder of a schoolgirl in the area the day before. Slowly as the night passes, he begins to suspect that Frank and the serial killer on the loose are one and the same…

In The Miso Soup is a well written thriller, and for all its promises of sex, it is strangely devoid of any (I had major issues with that). What it does deliver though, is paranoia and blood. If you are squeamish, best avoid this book as it has one, and only one, violent scene which is equal parts disturbing and funny.

Unlike the typical thriller, it doesn’t paint the killer as an evil monster, but rather a monster that has reasons that are totally alien to normal people. The thing is, although we can’t empathise with him, he genuinely believes in those ideals, so what right do we have to judge?

If you’re looking for a quick, entertaining read, you could do worse.

It still sucks that there was no sex though.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2005-03-19T00:24:00.000+08:00

Change, like taking a morning leak, is inevitable.

Up till now, this blog has mostly consisted of insightful, well-researched and thought-provoking pieces commenting on events shaping the world around us. Who the hell am I kidding, it's been just a bunch of inane crap written by a devilishly handsome individual with too much time.

So instead of just writing senseless bullshit, I will attempt to supplement this blog with something a little meatier, and I’m not talking about porn links.

In the coming weeks, I’ll try to do some reviews on some of the stuff I come across which I deem worthy of writing. Movies, music, books and the like, you know the drill. Visiting this blog will actually be like, useful and shit. Hard to imagine, I know.

But wait... do I detect the foul odour of disbelief in the air? Well, I can't blame you guys if you don't believe me. Like how I said I’d add pictures in my first post, but haven’t. Or have I? Behold:

With my beautifully composed picture of a rhino's rear end, I believe I have silenced all my critics, while at the same time inducing female visitors with an unbridled desire to get to know me better.

You wish! Sorry ladies, but I’m not that easy. (I was lying, email me PLEASE!)

Say What? A Guide To Misheard Lyrics

2005-03-10T15:57:00.000+08:00

Admit it, we’ve all at one point or another got the lyrics to a song wrong, only to find out the ugly way, like when crooning a tune to a girl who has filed a restraining order against you. (The cop arresting me pointed out how I got Air Supply's 'I'm All Out Of Love' wrong, how embarrassing!) Me? I meant this guy I know.

I’ve come across a couple of doozies in my time, and here they are, in all their unfiltered glory. I will examine the correct lyric first, then what the person thought he or she heard.

Jessie’s Girl – Rick Springfield

Correct lyric:
You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl

Alright, not bad. This dude obviously has a case of girlfriend envy. We’ve all been there before. Alright, I’ve been there before. Back off!

What I heard:
You know, I wish that I WAS Jessie’s Girl

“Woah woah woah… He wishes he was what??” That was my first thought upon hearing this. I didn’t believe they’d let such ‘liberal’ lyrics on air! I thought my country had finally opened up, but I was sorely mistaken.

Lemon Tree – Fool’s Garden

Correct lyric:
I wonder how, I wonder why

Ok, this song was one of the most annoying one-hit wonders ever to exist. I personally didn’t hate it that much though. It was catchy!

What my friend heard:
I walk around, in my car

This really bothered me. How can anyone walk in their car? If he could, he had a huge car. Like a limo or something. My friend didn’t care though, even after I pointed out the error. To him, Fool’s Garden had huge ass cars with walking room.

Animal Song – Savage Garden

Correct lyric:
I want to live… like an animal…

Right. This Darren Hayes dude had (at the time) hordes of nubile teenage girls at his disposal, and he sings about wanting to be an animal. Or is he into a particular sub-category of porn? We’ll never know.

What my friend and I heard:
I want to live… like a CANNONBALL

This totally baffled us, and we spent countless hours discussing how someone can live like a cannonball. I mean, a cannonball is an inanimate object, right? You can’t technically ‘live’ like one because it simply does not live, like animals and humans do.

We should’ve spent those hours getting to know girls, I realise now.

Ironic – Alanis Morissette

Correct lyric:
It’s like rai-eee-ain, on your wedding day

Cool song. Angry and bitter, perfectly fitting in with my mid-90s teenage years. Shame how we later had to see her stand nude in the street for her ‘Thank You’ video. I hate you Alanis.

What my friend heard:
It’s like RADIOOOOO

I won’t even bother trying to come up with a rationale for this one.

So I hope this teaches you something, aside from the fact that I have simply too much time on my hands. Ok I can’t think of anything else aside from that.

Until next time, peace out!

Line 'em Up

2005-03-02T23:26:00.000+08:00

Yo yo yo what up homies? I know it’s been some time since my last update, but things have been getting pretty hairy (figuratively, not literally) for me in recent months.

Not to worry though, the hairiness is under control, and I'm back with a list of cool movie lines. Check em out.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Darth Vader: No. I am your father.

Luke Skywalker: Nooooooooooo!

An all time classic, who doesn’t know this one? I often repeat this with wild abandon. With the emphasis on Luke’s wimpy “Nooooooooo!”. Not many people appreciate it though.

Terminator

The Terminator: I’ll be back.

The ultimate badass line. By the way, he did come back. In a truck.

Bridget Jones’s Diary

Mark Darcy: I like you, very much. Just as you are.

I watched an Oprah special (uh… it was the only thing on tv) and apparently this line will just kill any girl you say it to. Fun fact: without even watching the film, I said the exact same line to a girl once, with complete honesty. Did it work? Well as of now, I’m alone in my room, typing this. What do you think?

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?

Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.

The sheer brilliance of the above lines says it all.

Troy

Achilles: Is there no one else? Is there no one else!?

It’s not a great line, but the advertising for the movie kept repeating it until I went partially insane. Also, the fact that anonymous people on the street kept saying it did NOT help. Brad Pitt looked ripped in the movie though, props to Brad.

Goodfellas

Tommy DeVito: How am I funny, like a clown? What is so funny about me? What the FUCK is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny.

This line was delivered so well that you could actually feel the tension emanating from the screen. Too bad Scorcese’s movies of late haven’t matched his earlier work.

Ok so that's it for now, if you have any cool movie lines of your own that you feel I left out, post them in the comments section or the tagboard.

Until next time, peace out!

It Lives!

2005-01-19T13:38:00.000+08:00

By all that is unholy, I have resurrected the dead! God help me…

Before I get into anything, let me issue an apology to my fans (yes, all 5 of you) for taking the blog equivalent of recording a new Guns N’ Roses album to do this update. Don’t be hatin’ on me, show some love!

Meanwhile, I’ve noticed a wide variety of smart-ass remarks on the tag board. Keep it up jerkwads, it’s meant for precisely that.

So to round out 2004 (I know I’m doing it mid-January), here’s a list of the notable events of yesteryear, in no particular order.

South Asian Tsunamis

A terrible tragedy. However, it is heartening to see people all over doing their part to donate and help those affected.

Bush Gets Re-elected

Proving once again that the majority of Americans are rednecks, this doofus gets re-elected for a second term. At least since winning, we don’t have to see his mug that often anymore.

Bit Torrent Sites Get Shut Down

Dear god why!!? WHY!?!

The Passion Makes $300 Million

Studio exec: “Let me get this straight… as long as the subject matter comes from the bible, we don’t need to have a plot, character development or coherent script and STILL rape at the box office? Ker-Ching!”

Internet Explorer Loses Market Share

Looks like people finally got sick of dealing with browser hijacks, security holes and viruses. MS’s laziness to update their browser due to market dominance (woah... we have something in common) is starting to catch up with them.

Ok that’s it for now. Here’s hoping 2005 isn’t as crap as 2004. I’ll be back later, at an unspecified date and time. Till then, keep it real.

Hail To The Thief (Again)

2004-11-04T16:15:00.000+08:00

It’s a sad day for the world.

Once again, Americans have exhibited inordinate amounts of stupidity by re-electing the antithesis of intelligence, George W. Bush.

Aside from the fact that he’s a war mongering, moronic idiot who preys on the fears of his own people to further the agendas of his cronies, he is responsible for the deaths of thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians and soldiers.

Osama and his pals must be dancing a happy jig in some cave somewhere right now, as having Bush as President will only fuel American hatred througout the world and drive more people to their cause.

So, I propose this… boycott all American products! Yes, don’t buy their clothes, shoes, sneakers, comics, books, don’t watch their movies, television, don’t listen to their music… in short… don’t do anything remotely interesting or fun for the next 4 years until Bush is out for good, deal?

Yeah I ain’t feelin’ that either.

Sad fact is… America has an undeniable influence on global events, pop culture and basically everything else. Life wouldn’t be the same without it. So the only thing we can do is watch as the world burns around us… and hope that 2008 comes sooner rather than later.

Muse Located. Normal Service Resumed.

2004-10-21T20:53:00.000+08:00

There’s a lot of shit to wade through out there in the internet, so I have taken it upon myself to give you, my loyal readers, some places to go for the lowdown on various topics of interest. (Click on a site’s name to visit it)

NEWS/CURRENT AFFAIRS

BBC News Online

Unlike other news sites out there, this isn’t so America-oriented and is therefore, by extension, not evil. Honestly, reasonably objective reporting, interesting feature articles and fair coverage of the entire globe. You could do a lot worse.

Time.com

The online domain of Time Magazine. Print features can be read free-of-charge but they’ll keep reminding you to subscribe to the print magazine. Ignore them and enjoy.

MUSIC

Pitchfork Media

Based in America but fair to both countries across the pond, and then some. Typically, indie bands and acts are covered, with some exclusive interviews. They don’t ignore oddball curios either.

Stylus Magazine

Unlike Pitchfork, Stylus reviews movies as well, but their main focus is still music. Things to look out for are interesting articles such as their ‘I Love The 90s’ series which contains hilarious observations. Props to Gwee for telling me about the site.

MOVIES

Rotten Tomatoes

Go here for a good gauge of whether a movie is a stinker before you spend your hard-earned cash on it. Naturally such things are subjective, but if a movie is universally panned, it’s usually for good reason.

Internet Movie Database

I’m sure this needs little introduction. Go here to stock up on info and assert your superiority the next time you get involved in a film discussion (be sure to point and laugh when you prove them wrong).

That’s it for now. Of course, I haven’t told you everything I know. Only the privileged few within my inner circle will know about the truly cool sites. Email me and join now!

This Is A Low

2004-10-12T11:47:00.000+08:00

Aight aight, I know updates were supposed to be more frequent, but coming up with good shit ain’t easy. Know what I'm sayin'? Don’t start hating on me. (If you hadn’t noticed, I was trying to be ‘street’ there. Did it work? Dope)

Now, I could conceivably write about my day to day activities like most other blogs, but it would be so boring the server hosting this would actually be forced to shut down. I considered writing about other people’s activities, but that would just get me arrested, and I'm sure no one wants that right? Right? No one asked for your opinion mom!

Now, it would be easy to get inspiration by watching the vilest thing on earth (apart from those nasty execution videos): local TV. But to get said inspiration, I’d actually have to watch it, which is akin to getting a fresh perspective on life by amputating all four of your limbs. I mean, the crap they put out is so horrendous I think it actually violates the Geneva Convention in some way or another. Who needs weapons of mass destruction when we’ve got Channel 5? They showed ‘Nico: Above The Law’ as their ‘Mega Movie’ recently. The humanity!

So bear with me, true believers, until I find my muse. Feel free to drop an email if you have anything interesting for me to crap on about. Until next time, be true to yourself and show some love. Peace out.

What The World Needs Less Of: Part 2

2004-10-05T16:38:00.000+08:00

I’ve gotten word that certain people (with undoubtedly impeccable taste) out there are clamouring for a site update. I’ve even gotten angry emails telling me to do so! Wait… I wrote those myself.

Anyway, as a result of demand, I will try to update more often. However, please note this creed of mine: quantity shall never take precedence over quality. Which means to say if I feel my ‘work’ isn’t up to snuff, there shan’t be a post. Unless copious amounts of money (or cute girls) are thrown my way, then that creed can go to hell and burn for eternity!

So here’s the second installment of things the world would be better off without:

‘Stuffs’

Look, I have nothing against bad English (not the 80’s group) at all. I not bluffing one. The internet is rife with words like ‘l337’ and ‘my bad’ is now a catchphrase. But the use of ‘stuffs’ violates the English language like nothing before it. By definition, ‘stuff’ is unquantifiable, which means there is NO plural. “wah lanz wat tokking u” is a veritable Shakespearen couplet when compared to “Check out my stuffs!”.

Maroon 5

Ok Maroon 5, I get it! Your brand of funky, shite pop has topped charts all over the world where musical taste is non-existent. But that doesn’t mean I have to listen to ‘This Love’ 5000 times a day or your singer’s annoyingly nasal, Sesame Street voice and his start-stop delivery which makes me feel like I’m standing in a bus that’s stuck in a traffic jam. Every time I go to a record store, some bespectacled shop assistant will ‘test’ it for one of his clueless customers. What, hearing it every other time on the radio isn’t enough?

Lounge Music

A loose term that also includes bossa nova, this applies to the current trend of lounge artistes crooning from yuppie car stereos everywhere. Jamie Cullum, Michael Bublé et al. Would you have even heard of them if Norah Jones didn’t win those Grammys? Their fans are comprised of 2 groups; yuppies with no musical knowledge trying very hard to seem cultured and sophisticated, and old people who are trying to relive their youth by listening to these artistes. I have no beef with any of these artistes, I just hate the pretentious pricks who buy their music.

Ok that’s all for today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go hide my copy of 'Come Away With Me' before anyone finds out. Aw crap, too late.

Surviving Idiocy: How To Watch Singapore Idol With Intelligence Intact

2004-10-01T14:13:00.000+08:00

I’ve witnessed horrors that the human mind can barely comprehend. Unspeakable acts of depravity, cruelty and stupidity. Stupidity? You guessed it, I watched about 10 minutes of Singapore Idol. The acts of depravity and cruelty were inflicted upon my intelligence (You bastards!).

Despite swearing off local television for a good 5 years, it’s hard to totally avoid it. For those who’ve heard an oft-used analogy about car crashes, “it’s horrible but you can’t help but look”, it applies here. Except that car crashes are better looking, sounding and I’d gladly watch the horrifying site of an injured person lying in a pool of blood rather than watch a bunch of talentless dolts cavort around thinking they’re star material.

I don’t know their names nor can I remember their faces, all I know is during those 10 minutes I witnessed one contestant who looked like he just got off his job selling VCDs outside a coffee shop at Hougang Central sing ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’. In all honesty, it wasn’t horrible. But it wasn’t good either. He’d have a hard time winning a karaoke competition, and here he is competing for a record deal. What did the judges say? That he’s on a ‘different level’ from the other contestants. I shudder to think of the implications.

For those who just HAVE to watch it but are afraid of their minds being turned into mush, here are several things you can do to preserve your intelligence whilst watching Singapore Idol:

Whenever Gurmit Singh appears, quickly close your eyes, stick your fingers into your ears and scream “LA LA LA LA LA” very loudly until he goes away. Alternate method: go downstairs to a busy street and fling yourself into oncoming traffic.

Scared of hearing the judges make stupid, asinine comments that have no creative or constructive worth? Just take a stick and poke it into your eyes (so you don’t see their fugly faces) until all you see is red. Or black. Next step: take the stick and do the same to your ears until you hear nothing. Just peaceful silence.

If you don’t want to hear the contestants' braying but are still curious to see their stiff, rigor mortis-like dance moves, just turn down the volume, find a CD of the song they’re ‘covering’ and blast it on your hi-fi. Don’t want to see the contestants’ fugly faces either? If you live in a high-rise apartment or flat, just open a window and jump. The resulting crunch will end your pain (hopefully).

Warning: If you choose to follow these tips you may be permanently scarred/blinded/deaf/dead. Then again, if you’re voluntarily watching Singapore Idol, you probably deserve it anyway.

Purveyors of sewage merge into misshapen monstrosity

2004-09-20T14:42:00.000+08:00

For those who care about crap television, local free-to-air television rivals Mediacorp and Mediaworks have decided to end their bitch slapping and make up. How will this affect the unfortunate people who lack cable programming?

No prizes for guessing that this will only mean more awful programmes as now Mediacrap will be free to divert even less resources to producing quality shows (not that any existed in the first place) since there’s no competition. This means more local productions with concepts stolen from American shows, bad acting, longer commercial breaks, and more Monday Mega Movies which pre-date the Jurassic era.

Which brings me to this question: What was the real difference between the two? Both are in one way or another linked back to the government. Both sucked (Mediaworks sucked marginally less) and both had news programmes which displayed an astonishing lack of journalistic freedom. I can only imagine (with some glee) the actors who left Mediacorp for Mediaworks being made to crawl back into the Mediacrap offices to beg for their jobs, just like what Kurt Angle did when he was General Manager of Smackdown! (which produces infinitely better drama by the way).

Ok, enough of this, I’ve gotta prepare for Tuesday’s airing of Titanic on Channel 5, they’re showing it ALL AT ONCE this time!

The Secret Meanings Of Friendster Testimonials: A Guide

2004-09-10T14:24:00.000+08:00

I’m sure everyone knows what Friendster is. For the uninitiated, here’s a brief rundown: Friendster is an online service which lets you connect your online profile to your friends’ and so on. It’s supposed to help long-lost friends get in contact and help existing friends understand more about each other.

In my personal experience however, Friendster is used to see if any of the people you know have hot chick friends and also to see how lame-ass and pretentious some people’s taste in music, movies and books can be.

One thing you will come across is the testimonial. Mostly it’s one friend burying his or her face in another’s ass, boosting his or her ego to ensure that that person also writes a similarly glowing testimonial for the writer.

Attractive people (especially females) will get another type or testimonial, and it’s this kind of testimonial which I will spend this entry analyzing and breaking down.

Here’s a typical testimonial an attractive female will get:

I’ve known Angel (fictional name) for 4 years and what can I say but this is one totally crazy and kooky gal! She parties like there’s no tmr and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Guys, if you’re thinking about chasing, you better be careful, this is a chili padi. She is really cute, but watch out when she sleeps, she snores like a bear!

Let’s break it down:

I’ve known (girl) for XX number of years and what can I say but this is one totally crazy and kooky gal!

What it really means: He is trying to show that he has had a history with this girl and any new suitors had better watch out. Young stupid people equate craziness and kookiness with being unique although these same people are as bland as communal bread, since everyone’s crazy and kooky. Or so they think.

She parties like there’s no tmr and isn’t afraid to speak her mind.

What it really means: By saying these two things, I am acknowledging that you are a modern woman and I will respect you as such. I am a great choice as a mate.

Guys, if you’re thinking about chasing, you better be careful, this is a chili padi.

What it really means: Said in mock seriousness, this is really a serious message. It sends out two messages, one for suitors by implying that he knows the girl quite well, and another for the girl herself, to show that he is totally comfortable with her modern attitudes.

She is really cute, but watch out when she sleeps, she snores like a bear!

What it really means: This tease is to get the girl flustered, which will ensure he gets her attention and a flurry of IM messages from her. It also adds to his roguish allure.

To summarise:

Hey Angel (once again, not a real name), by writing this testimonial I’m trying to subtly drive home the point that you’re one hot chick and I wanna bone ya real bad.

I think with this example I’ve explained about 95% of the Friendster testimonials out there. No need to thank me, the pleasure was all mine.

What The World Needs Less Of: Part 1

2004-08-30T11:55:00.000+08:00

I’m sure everyone agrees that the world is full of annoying things. Utilising advanced scientific calculations, I have devised a theory: for every 1 thing that brings happiness, pleasure and fulfillment, there are at least 10 things that make you so annoyed you feel like punching the person next to you. Disclaimer: the above theory is a product of the author’s own fevered imagination and has not been proven scientifically. Yet.

Here are some things that currently annoy the hell out of me:

Local Television Programming (only pertaining to locally-made programmes)

The realm of local free-to-air programming is rife with shit. I’m sure there are special goggles out there that enable the wearer to view TV signals, and if you use it when looking at Caldecott, you’d probably see a fountain of diarrhoea spewing from its broadcasting antennae. As for radio, just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I don’t hate you too. Stay tuned for an elaboration on this topic.

Yuppie-Centric Advertising

You’ve seen it before. Whether it’s an ad for credit cards, mobile phone plans or even air conditioning, it’s always the same thing. A young Chinese or Pan-Asian couple (male is clean cut wearing khaki pants, female is attractive with long black hair) golfing at a country club or lounging around in some expensive condominium which somehow just seems… white… in colour. Pseudo-American accents are optional (but recommended).

Local Forum Whiners

I’m talking about those ultra-conservative douchebags who write in to local papers whining about the how the young are so hedonistic (partly true), or how this particular television show has offended them with its anarchistic ‘western’ points-of-view. Case in point: some guy wrote in saying HBO’s already heavily-censored Sex And The City was a bad influence etc. This same guy probably has 20+ gigs of hardcore porn residing on his hard drive.

Their whining has resulted in some pleasant surprises though, recently some radio DJs got their asses fired or suspended due to risqué comments on air. Why stop there? Fire all of them and just air silence! Infinitely more entertaining.

Ok, that’s all for now. There’s an abundance of annoying things out there, so be sure to chime in with what gets your goat!

Board senseless

2004-08-25T17:52:00.000+08:00

Behold! Wait wait wait, cover the left side of the page with your hand. Ok? Now remove it. Behold! I have harnessed the mystical powers of the internet and created, with some help, a message board. Gawk in amazement at my fantastical creation, but don’t forget its noble purpose: to let people talk smack and diss each other (but please leave me out of it).

I therefore urge you to ‘leave a little something behind’ after visiting, much like how a dog leaves a little something behind when it’s taken out for a walk.

Tongue-tied? Don’t worry, I have a couple of suggestions to help get you on your way. Try “gr8 site ur so kewl!” or “dude u RAWK!” for starters. Maybe even “*squeal* i want to be the mother of ur children!” and “god u r so totally, like, hot right now!” (the latter 2 examples are for girls only).

I liken this site to a sunflower seed: it needs plenty of sunshine, watering and care in order to grow into something beautiful. Actually that’s a bad analogy, websites don’t need sunshine. Or water. What was I thinking?

Idol Banter

2004-08-23T15:16:00.000+08:00

There has been some hoo-ha regarding our local version of American Idol, and I feel it's my civic duty to comment on the situation and bring a much-needed voice of reason to the whole thing.

Let's get past the fact that the whole thing blows. Badly. I mean, it blows like a frickin' porn star hopped-up on speed.

Some people feel that the judges are mean and are trying (unsuccessfully) to emulate the witty put-downs of Simon Cowell.

They're right, but that's not the point.

A lady had this to say in a letter to a local paper, " The fact that the judges are celebrities means that the young see them as role models, whether they like it or not..."

Let me get this straight. Those dorks, those poor excuses for local 'celebrities' are role models? Jesus Christ! I thought role models normally refer to famous people that kids want to emulate? How many kids today know who Douglas O is? Thought so.

Assuming that they are, in fact, 'role models', the following scene must play out in local primary schools all the time:

Teacher: "So class, why don't you take turns and tell us who you'd like to be when you grow up?"

Schoolboy 1: "I want to be like David Beckham, he's handsome and good at football (sometimes)!"

Schoolboy 2: "Me? I want to be just like Justin Timberlake, he sings and dances so well!"

Schoolboy 3: "Teacher, if I can, I want to be the next Brad Pitt, he's soooo cool!"
Teacher: "How about you, Schoolboy 4?"

Schoolboy 4: "I want to be the next Dick Lee! Fried rice, paradise!" *breaks into a jig*

Teacher: "Why don't we allow handguns in our schools?"

My point, and I do have one, is that just because some pricks appear on television does NOT automatically make them role models. It makes them pricks on TV. That's all. No one is going to idolise that sad bunch of never-weres and follow their footsteps into the laughable realm of 'local entertainment', so let them pretend to be witty and sarcastic and continue to make asses of themselves.

Now, for some fried rice...

The beginning is the most delicate time...

2004-08-19T16:32:00.000+08:00

Welcome friends. This marks my virgin attempt at posting one of these newfangled blog things so popular with so-called 'youth culture' nowadays, so please, be gentle...

Now all blogs should have some kind of overriding t I am human, and have feelings too... which makes flaming more fun, I suppose. Hmmm...

As I figure this blog thing out, expect more text, and if all goes well, even pictures in future. Don't hold your breath though. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to clean my toenails.