Summer Movie Thoughts

Like a bad case of herpes, I return. This blog has been abandoned and resurrected so many times over that if it were a pet dog, it'd be a weird skinny Franken-dog who just wants to be loved. However, I am thankful to the faithful readers that believe in this thing I'm doing. No, not that thing. I finished doing that thing before typing this.

Whatever the case, I'm back just in time to comment on the summer movie onslaught during which Hollywood studios cram our collective consciousnesses (is that even a word?) full of big-name stars and even bigger explosions. Sometimes they combine both and make big-name stars explode.

So here are my thoughts on the current crop of movies that you may or may not already have seen. Now, I'll be giving comments based solely on my totally righteous, dope and kick-ass movie-going expertise, which often means I don't even have to watch the movie to give an opinion. Yes, I'm that good.

Batman Begins

Ok, I watched this and as a Batman fan (read: dork) I found that it totally nailed the tone of the comics. Christian Bale is the best Bruce Wayne yet, possessing the ferocity required as Batman while still exhibiting the pathos of someone who watched his parents get murdered. The supporting cast is excellent, which is no surprise considering the number of big-names (sadly, they don't explode here) but I found Katie Holmes a bit lacking. Maybe she was too distracted thinking of how to milk her relationship with Tom Cruise to concentrate on acting, but it was at least passable. Watch it if you're not going to watch anything else.

Fantastic 4

I could go on about how I feel the Fantastic 4 is a pretty boring comic to make a movie about and how the actors are as interesting as cardboard boxes, but there is one fundamental flaw with this that overrides everything else. An oversight so huge whoever thought of it should be flayed alive:

Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman

That's right, here's a movie where you can't see Jessica Alba! What's the point? Am I supposed to get turned on by The Thing? Actually, that may work...

Mr and Mrs Smith

I haven't watched this but even if I did, I'd only be thinking of one thing during the movie: Are they or aren't they? Stop teasing me Brangelina!

War Of The Worlds

Lasers and Aliens may break Tom Cruise's bones, but cleverly-disguised water pistols will always embarrass him.

P.S. Scientology is for nutjobs.