Muse Located. Normal Service Resumed.

There’s a lot of shit to wade through out there in the internet, so I have taken it upon myself to give you, my loyal readers, some places to go for the lowdown on various topics of interest. (Click on a site’s name to visit it)

NEWS/CURRENT AFFAIRS

BBC News Online

Unlike other news sites out there, this isn’t so America-oriented and is therefore, by extension, not evil. Honestly, reasonably objective reporting, interesting feature articles and fair coverage of the entire globe. You could do a lot worse.

Time.com

The online domain of Time Magazine. Print features can be read free-of-charge but they’ll keep reminding you to subscribe to the print magazine. Ignore them and enjoy.

MUSIC

Pitchfork Media

Based in America but fair to both countries across the pond, and then some. Typically, indie bands and acts are covered, with some exclusive interviews. They don’t ignore oddball curios either.

Stylus Magazine

Unlike Pitchfork, Stylus reviews movies as well, but their main focus is still music. Things to look out for are interesting articles such as their ‘I Love The 90s’ series which contains hilarious observations. Props to Gwee for telling me about the site.

MOVIES

Rotten Tomatoes

Go here for a good gauge of whether a movie is a stinker before you spend your hard-earned cash on it. Naturally such things are subjective, but if a movie is universally panned, it’s usually for good reason.

Internet Movie Database

I’m sure this needs little introduction. Go here to stock up on info and assert your superiority the next time you get involved in a film discussion (be sure to point and laugh when you prove them wrong).

That’s it for now. Of course, I haven’t told you everything I know. Only the privileged few within my inner circle will know about the truly cool sites. Email me and join now!

This Is A Low

Aight aight, I know updates were supposed to be more frequent, but coming up with good shit ain’t easy. Know what I'm sayin'? Don’t start hating on me. (If you hadn’t noticed, I was trying to be ‘street’ there. Did it work? Dope)

Now, I could conceivably write about my day to day activities like most other blogs, but it would be so boring the server hosting this would actually be forced to shut down. I considered writing about other people’s activities, but that would just get me arrested, and I'm sure no one wants that right? Right? No one asked for your opinion mom!

Now, it would be easy to get inspiration by watching the vilest thing on earth (apart from those nasty execution videos): local TV. But to get said inspiration, I’d actually have to watch it, which is akin to getting a fresh perspective on life by amputating all four of your limbs. I mean, the crap they put out is so horrendous I think it actually violates the Geneva Convention in some way or another. Who needs weapons of mass destruction when we’ve got Channel 5? They showed ‘Nico: Above The Law’ as their ‘Mega Movie’ recently. The humanity!

So bear with me, true believers, until I find my muse. Feel free to drop an email if you have anything interesting for me to crap on about. Until next time, be true to yourself and show some love. Peace out.

What The World Needs Less Of: Part 2

I’ve gotten word that certain people (with undoubtedly impeccable taste) out there are clamouring for a site update. I’ve even gotten angry emails telling me to do so! Wait… I wrote those myself.

Anyway, as a result of demand, I will try to update more often. However, please note this creed of mine: quantity shall never take precedence over quality. Which means to say if I feel my ‘work’ isn’t up to snuff, there shan’t be a post. Unless copious amounts of money (or cute girls) are thrown my way, then that creed can go to hell and burn for eternity!

So here’s the second installment of things the world would be better off without:

‘Stuffs’

Look, I have nothing against bad English (not the 80’s group) at all. I not bluffing one. The internet is rife with words like ‘l337’ and ‘my bad’ is now a catchphrase. But the use of ‘stuffs’ violates the English language like nothing before it. By definition, ‘stuff’ is unquantifiable, which means there is NO plural. “wah lanz wat tokking u” is a veritable Shakespearen couplet when compared to “Check out my stuffs!”.

Maroon 5

Ok Maroon 5, I get it! Your brand of funky, shite pop has topped charts all over the world where musical taste is non-existent. But that doesn’t mean I have to listen to ‘This Love’ 5000 times a day or your singer’s annoyingly nasal, Sesame Street voice and his start-stop delivery which makes me feel like I’m standing in a bus that’s stuck in a traffic jam. Every time I go to a record store, some bespectacled shop assistant will ‘test’ it for one of his clueless customers. What, hearing it every other time on the radio isn’t enough?

Lounge Music

A loose term that also includes bossa nova, this applies to the current trend of lounge artistes crooning from yuppie car stereos everywhere. Jamie Cullum, Michael Bublé et al. Would you have even heard of them if Norah Jones didn’t win those Grammys? Their fans are comprised of 2 groups; yuppies with no musical knowledge trying very hard to seem cultured and sophisticated, and old people who are trying to relive their youth by listening to these artistes. I have no beef with any of these artistes, I just hate the pretentious pricks who buy their music.

Ok that’s all for today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go hide my copy of 'Come Away With Me' before anyone finds out. Aw crap, too late.

Surviving Idiocy: How To Watch Singapore Idol With Intelligence Intact

I’ve witnessed horrors that the human mind can barely comprehend. Unspeakable acts of depravity, cruelty and stupidity. Stupidity? You guessed it, I watched about 10 minutes of Singapore Idol. The acts of depravity and cruelty were inflicted upon my intelligence (You bastards!).

Despite swearing off local television for a good 5 years, it’s hard to totally avoid it. For those who’ve heard an oft-used analogy about car crashes, “it’s horrible but you can’t help but look”, it applies here. Except that car crashes are better looking, sounding and I’d gladly watch the horrifying site of an injured person lying in a pool of blood rather than watch a bunch of talentless dolts cavort around thinking they’re star material.

I don’t know their names nor can I remember their faces, all I know is during those 10 minutes I witnessed one contestant who looked like he just got off his job selling VCDs outside a coffee shop at Hougang Central sing ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’. In all honesty, it wasn’t horrible. But it wasn’t good either. He’d have a hard time winning a karaoke competition, and here he is competing for a record deal. What did the judges say? That he’s on a ‘different level’ from the other contestants. I shudder to think of the implications.

For those who just HAVE to watch it but are afraid of their minds being turned into mush, here are several things you can do to preserve your intelligence whilst watching Singapore Idol:

Whenever Gurmit Singh appears, quickly close your eyes, stick your fingers into your ears and scream “LA LA LA LA LA” very loudly until he goes away. Alternate method: go downstairs to a busy street and fling yourself into oncoming traffic.

Scared of hearing the judges make stupid, asinine comments that have no creative or constructive worth? Just take a stick and poke it into your eyes (so you don’t see their fugly faces) until all you see is red. Or black. Next step: take the stick and do the same to your ears until you hear nothing. Just peaceful silence.

If you don’t want to hear the contestants' braying but are still curious to see their stiff, rigor mortis-like dance moves, just turn down the volume, find a CD of the song they’re ‘covering’ and blast it on your hi-fi. Don’t want to see the contestants’ fugly faces either? If you live in a high-rise apartment or flat, just open a window and jump. The resulting crunch will end your pain (hopefully).

Warning: If you choose to follow these tips you may be permanently scarred/blinded/deaf/dead. Then again, if you’re voluntarily watching Singapore Idol, you probably deserve it anyway.