What The World Needs Less Of: Part 1

I’m sure everyone agrees that the world is full of annoying things. Utilising advanced scientific calculations, I have devised a theory: for every 1 thing that brings happiness, pleasure and fulfillment, there are at least 10 things that make you so annoyed you feel like punching the person next to you. Disclaimer: the above theory is a product of the author’s own fevered imagination and has not been proven scientifically. Yet.

Here are some things that currently annoy the hell out of me:

Local Television Programming (only pertaining to locally-made programmes)

The realm of local free-to-air programming is rife with shit. I’m sure there are special goggles out there that enable the wearer to view TV signals, and if you use it when looking at Caldecott, you’d probably see a fountain of diarrhoea spewing from its broadcasting antennae. As for radio, just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I don’t hate you too. Stay tuned for an elaboration on this topic.

Yuppie-Centric Advertising

You’ve seen it before. Whether it’s an ad for credit cards, mobile phone plans or even air conditioning, it’s always the same thing. A young Chinese or Pan-Asian couple (male is clean cut wearing khaki pants, female is attractive with long black hair) golfing at a country club or lounging around in some expensive condominium which somehow just seems… white… in colour. Pseudo-American accents are optional (but recommended).

Local Forum Whiners

I’m talking about those ultra-conservative douchebags who write in to local papers whining about the how the young are so hedonistic (partly true), or how this particular television show has offended them with its anarchistic ‘western’ points-of-view. Case in point: some guy wrote in saying HBO’s already heavily-censored Sex And The City was a bad influence etc. This same guy probably has 20+ gigs of hardcore porn residing on his hard drive.

Their whining has resulted in some pleasant surprises though, recently some radio DJs got their asses fired or suspended due to risqué comments on air. Why stop there? Fire all of them and just air silence! Infinitely more entertaining.

Ok, that’s all for now. There’s an abundance of annoying things out there, so be sure to chime in with what gets your goat!

Board senseless

Behold! Wait wait wait, cover the left side of the page with your hand. Ok? Now remove it. Behold! I have harnessed the mystical powers of the internet and created, with some help, a message board. Gawk in amazement at my fantastical creation, but don’t forget its noble purpose: to let people talk smack and diss each other (but please leave me out of it).

I therefore urge you to ‘leave a little something behind’ after visiting, much like how a dog leaves a little something behind when it’s taken out for a walk.

Tongue-tied? Don’t worry, I have a couple of suggestions to help get you on your way. Try “gr8 site ur so kewl!” or “dude u RAWK!” for starters. Maybe even “*squeal* i want to be the mother of ur children!” and “god u r so totally, like, hot right now!” (the latter 2 examples are for girls only).

I liken this site to a sunflower seed: it needs plenty of sunshine, watering and care in order to grow into something beautiful. Actually that’s a bad analogy, websites don’t need sunshine. Or water. What was I thinking?

Idol Banter

There has been some hoo-ha regarding our local version of American Idol, and I feel it's my civic duty to comment on the situation and bring a much-needed voice of reason to the whole thing.

Let's get past the fact that the whole thing blows. Badly. I mean, it blows like a frickin' porn star hopped-up on speed.

Some people feel that the judges are mean and are trying (unsuccessfully) to emulate the witty put-downs of Simon Cowell.

They're right, but that's not the point.

A lady had this to say in a letter to a local paper, " The fact that the judges are celebrities means that the young see them as role models, whether they like it or not..."

Let me get this straight. Those dorks, those poor excuses for local 'celebrities' are role models? Jesus Christ! I thought role models normally refer to famous people that kids want to emulate? How many kids today know who Douglas O is? Thought so.

Assuming that they are, in fact, 'role models', the following scene must play out in local primary schools all the time:

Teacher: "So class, why don't you take turns and tell us who you'd like to be when you grow up?"

Schoolboy 1: "I want to be like David Beckham, he's handsome and good at football (sometimes)!"

Schoolboy 2: "Me? I want to be just like Justin Timberlake, he sings and dances so well!"

Schoolboy 3: "Teacher, if I can, I want to be the next Brad Pitt, he's soooo cool!"
Teacher: "How about you, Schoolboy 4?"

Schoolboy 4: "I want to be the next Dick Lee! Fried rice, paradise!" *breaks into a jig*

Teacher: "Why don't we allow handguns in our schools?"

My point, and I do have one, is that just because some pricks appear on television does NOT automatically make them role models. It makes them pricks on TV. That's all. No one is going to idolise that sad bunch of never-weres and follow their footsteps into the laughable realm of 'local entertainment', so let them pretend to be witty and sarcastic and continue to make asses of themselves.

Now, for some fried rice...

The beginning is the most delicate time...

Welcome friends. This marks my virgin attempt at posting one of these newfangled blog things so popular with so-called 'youth culture' nowadays, so please, be gentle...

Now all blogs should have some kind of overriding t I am human, and have feelings too... which makes flaming more fun, I suppose. Hmmm...

As I figure this blog thing out, expect more text, and if all goes well, even pictures in future. Don't hold your breath though. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to clean my toenails.